Thursday, February 23, 2012

Smart phones and Smart cars

My boyfriend has an Android smart phone. He has downloaded 1000 songs and 100 apps. Oh, and he has access to email and the Internet. My boyfriend can do all these things on his phone's ample touch screen, or if his fingers are tired (especially the pesky little deformed one), he has voice command. He can also stream hours and hours of video, which he does, but not porn as it's a company phone. My phone is stupid.

 I do, however, have a Smart car fortwo. My previous car is stupid but not as stupid as its owner. I killed that dumb car. And, on the very same day, as I attempted to access the Internet to research my options for new wheels, I discovered that my bare-bones laptop was dead too.

 So, back to my selection of a Smart car. It was an informed decision - which is unusual. My brother has one, and as a frequent passenger, I can attest to the car's solid as a rock structure and smooth ride despite it's small size. I initially fell in love with the adorably diminutive cars in France where they are ubiquitous. It has always been a dream of mine to own one. And, although a lot of annoying shit went down in order for me to get one, I love my Smart car. I hope the smartness of the car will rub off on me, but, alas it may take some time. Yesterday, I locked my keys inside my house. There are a lot reasons why my car is smart, and as my intellect improves, I will be able to tell you all about them.

 Back to my boyfriend and his Smart phone. Although, his Android is no doubt a brain child, there are a few not so smart and unknown features. Namely, the accidental push of the wrong key causes the phone to randomly sends text messages declaring that its owner is "driving" (dangerous behavior while also texting which is illegal in some states ergo not so smart) or "at the cinema" - huh?

Sunday, February 19, 2012

My sons are thirteen and sixteen

My youngest son is thirteen and I want to be my youngest son. On his thirteenth birthday, he received an Apple 4G Smart IPhone from his father. On his phone, he can access the Internet, send and retrieve emails and he has downloaded one hundred apps and five hundred songs from iTunes with his Bar Mitzvah money. My phone is stupid.

My son's orange headphones, Beats by Dr. Dre, cost $300 and rival the best sound systems in the world. All the famous rap musicians and NBA players have them or a model is named after them. My son's model is named for his idol, LeBron James, star player for the Miami Heat, and he bought them with his Bar Mitzvah money. He begrudgingly  let me borrow his LeBron James Beats (and let me tell you, they are pretty sweet) after saying that if I broke them, I better have my credit card ready. I don't have headphones for my five year old no-longer-made iTouch, because my son took them to use with his 4G Apple IPhone before he got his Beats by Dr. Dre.

My son's favorite color is orange. He has drawers full of orange Adidas, Nike, Under Armour and Patagonia jackets and pullovers. Most of the jackets and pullovers, and a bunch of really cool basketball shorts and sweatpants, are fleece and/or have super powers. Although my fleece Patagonia jacket is pretty cool (lavender with teal trim), it doesn't have a single bell or whistle, and the zipper is broken. I have had the jacket for twenty five years.

My other son is sixteen.  I also want to be my other son. My oldest son, when he got his driver's license, immediately was given his father's 2010 Saab with heated seats, satellite radio, a built in DVD and navigation system, hands-free phone, voice command everything, and it parks itself. I drive a manual everything 2005 PT Cruiser. I am thankful for the dents in my front fender and rear right side due to the sober, yet still sobering, run-ins with my garage because there are a lot of Silver PT Cruisers out there and I can always spot mine. I also wanted to be my oldest son when he was thirteen, because he got some pretty cool stuff with his Bar Mitzvah money too.

Hollingsworth Green

The day promised to take on a nice flavor as Virginie drove past a sign that read "chicken soup parking" with an arrow pointing to the right. Virginie pondered chicken soap parking, she wasn't aware that chicken soup could drive. After dropping Henry off at Sunday school, Virginie searched for driving and parking chicken soup to no avail. Although Virginie continued to imagine driving and parking chicken soup, it was time to move on to other pursuits, namely, a vigorous walk on the trails of Hollingsworth Green. Her walk would be enhanced by listening to music on her iPod Touch on Henry's Beats by Dr. Dre headphones - a listening experience like no other - pretty much a music O. She asked Henry the day before if she could borrow them and he said hell to the no. Virginie understood. But this morning he handed her the headphones and said if you break these, you better get your credit card out and be prepared to spend $300 On Amazon. Ah, what a sweet gesture tempered with just the right amount of teenage love and affection.

Virginie drove into the Hollingsworth Green Parking lot which was completely empty on this blustery Sunday morning. She parked (probably not as well as chicken soup)and remained in her car for a moment to connect the headphones extraordinaire to her iPod. Two local sheriffs parked (probably better than chicken soup) and approached Virginie's car. She rolled down her window and asked if there was a problem. The sheriff replied "you can not park here unless you are a resident of Hollingsworth Village." He pointed out that several signs are posted - Virginie could read and she ignored these signs - this was a law she did not mind scoffing. Virginie did not share that view with the sheriff, instead she explained that her son attended Sunday school just down the street and she had hoped to take a walk to pass the time. To which the sheriff replied, "you can't park here - it's the councils decision, but if you park across the street, you can walk here." Great, Virginie replied as she complied. The sheriffs waved to her in approval as they passed her now appropriately parked car.

The Hollingsworth Green is the green space surrounding the abandoned and now boarded up Holly Hock Country Club. The club house is in disrepair and the oh-so-special parking lot is inundated with a plethora of deep and cavernous pot holes - clearly the residents dues, if there are any, are not going into repairs and maintenance. And, maybe just maybe, the residents are attempting to protect the outsider's, like Virginie, tires, but Virginie surmised that the ordinance gives the sheriffs something to do on slow days and Sunday mornings.

Virginie's walk was great, she loved the blustery air, challenging hills, and listening to love songs on the Beats - oh those beats. Love songs had meaning for Virginie as she was newly in love. Virginie's mind did wander some, however, to ponder the lunacy of not being permitted to park in the Hollingsworth Green's parking lot.  Virginie thought that she, and other non-residents, should be the ones to park in the Green's almost always empty enormous parking lot.  Shouldn't the Hollingsworth Green residents choose the green, and more environmentally friendly, option of walking to the Green? Hollingsworth Village is small, and most, if not all of its homes are close to the Green.

Activity loomed large on this Sunday morning as Virginie discovered that the Temple, where Henry attended Sunday school, was hosting a chicken soup cook off. The Temple's parking lot, and the drivers that filled it, resembled New York City at rush hour. A few sheriffs were directing traffic, but they could have used more - perhaps the time the sheriffs spent with Virginie at the Green would have been better served managing the rude and raucous chicken soup crowd. Virginie searched once more for driving and parking chicken soup - it was a logical assumption that she would find some - nope.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Monday, February 6, 2012

The not so Gentlemanly Lawyer

Initially, Virginie was worried, Mr. Menache, a short, rotund white haired man in his seventies did not look particularly menacing.

Mr. Menache told her that she resided in an equal distribution state,  I know, Virginie chimed in.  He went on to tell her stories about the division of property in a few of his divorce cases. The one Virginie found the most interesting was the Hummel story. Apparently some lucky soul got away with the Hummel figurines that were worth more than the all other assets put together....Hummels she thought - go figurine.
The turning point was when Virginie discovered, with absolute certainty, that Menache was not a gentleman. He told her about his recent acquisition of reading glasses. Menache was glad to have them for two reasons: one - he could clearly see the rules of the court which, he went on to explain, is of vital importance, because they vary from county to county, and two - tits. Virginie's reply "well, yes, you would want to be inconspicuous about that." Gentleman - no - she guessed he would be perfect for the job.


Shopping List

Shopping List

vodka
gin
vermouth
martini olives
meyer lemons
key limes
wine
Veuve Cliquot
Beluga caviar
pecorino with white truffles
Saint Andre
foie gras
baguette
marcona almonds
NY Strip Steak
fingerling potatoes
heirloom tomatoes
rapini
celery root
arugula
belgian endive
radiccio
garlic
shallots
leeks
pancetta
fresh sage
morels
white truffles
truffle butter
white truffle oil
paper towels
toilet paper
soap